Yes, I Look “Straight”

Female + Genderqueer + Pansexual / 17 and Under /

When I was younger, I always found myself looking at girls the same way I would look at boys. However, I never fully had a crush on a girl because of how the girls in my elementary school treated me when I was young. I have a long history of being bullied that spanned over 7 years, more or less. This left me anxiety-driven and extremely introverted.

Moving into high school I realized that nice people actually exist, but I still had trouble communicating to them and trusting them. This one girl was the first person I really connected to. I bugged her so much, I’m not sure how she tolerated it, and spent a lot of time with her. And it really only took one day for the feelings to change from friendship to, boom, head over heels butterflies in my stomach puppy love. I was confused and scared because I had never ever liked a girl that much before. At first I thought, “Am I gay,” but came to the conclusion that I had a crush on this one guy in my art class. I then assumed I was bisexual but for some reason I didn’t think that really defined how I felt well. Then I found pansexuality. I was so happy to finally know what I was and started to accept myself after seeing so many other LGBT people in the media I watched (YouTube).

I came out to my mom, dad, and sister all at once. I was not even planning it at all, and this is basically how it went. My mom and sis were sitting in the living room talking about my sister’s many boyfriends when I entered the conversation. My sis turned to me, asking “When are you going to get a boyfriend?” I just shrugged. Honestly I just didn’t feel like dating at the time. And then she tilted her head and said “Maybe a girl friend?” And I don’t know what happened, but I went 100% queer mode and was like “Yeah maybe.” My mom asked if I was gay and I said I was pan and my sister explained to my mom, and my dad walked by saying “Ok, cool.”

That was pretty much it. I have since then come out to my auntie and one of my cousins, as well as to one of my friends who I used this line to come out to: “Let’s get one thing straight. I’m not.”

It’s been easier to let myself be proud of who I am but I feel my family is still slightly heteronormative towards me, and I see my dad cracking some slightly offensive gay jokes, but recently he expressed his distaste for the laws that were put in place in Mississippi and North Carolina in the states, so that makes things much better. I hope in the future I can come out to more friends and family down the road and be a full-blown pan person with one less fear to live by.