Tennessee + united states + USA

A Weight Off My Chest

Asexual + Bisexual + Genderqueer + Queer / 17 and Under + 18-22 / White / Agnostic

I don’t really know how to begin my story. So let’s just jump right in…

I started pondering over my sexuality while still in the seventh grade. An incident occurred between me and close friend, where she revealed to me that she was in love with someone in our very small friend group. We were just sitting in the corner of Science class, so I quietly started naming off each one of my friends, and she shook her head each time. Finally, I realized that I was the only person left to name.

My world completely shattered. Not only did I end up breaking my friend’s fragile heart, I had to deal with my friend making me feel guilty for not reciprocating romantic feelings toward her.

As for her coming out, I didn’t have a single problem with her being lesbian. She was my friend, I loved her in a sister-type way, and that wouldn’t change. I was actually glad that she told me and could trust me. Plus, I pretty much already knew because she acted super gay around me all the time.

But I felt uncomfortable and a huge weight was now pressing down on my shoulders. I broke her heart. I won’t ever be able to change that. But I came to the conclusion that she took advantage of me. She wanted to force me to love her, but then she’d say that’s exactly what she didn’t want to do.

Long story short, we haven’t spoken to one another in over a year. and we currently have no contact with each other because of problems and other situations that occurred in the past.

This is where the crap immediately hits the fan.

I hated everything that happened between us because of the whole coming out/love confession thing, but the entire situation opened my eyes a lot.

When eighth grade started, I found a new best friend; and over the course of a year, I was trying to determine what my sexuality was and what my gender was.

I asked myself questions and gave myself the most honest answers I could:

Would I really ever date a girl? If I truly loved her, yes.

Do I still like guys? Obviously.

Do I like girls or guys more? I’m not sure.

Am I bisexual? Most likely.

What’s my gender? Do I feel like a man? Or a woman? I feel like both but at different times.

I struggled a lot while trying to figure out my sexuality and gender. To this day, I struggle. I don’t think it’ll ever stop. It’s gotten better, though. When I first came out to myself, I felt repulsed and wanted to vomit every time I thought about it. I embrace it now.

I went through so many sexuality labels: gay, bisexual, homoflexible, heteroflexible, and at one point, even asexual and akoisexual.

And, then gender labels: female, male, trans, gender fluid, gender queer, bigender, and many others lost in the recesses of my confusing and unreliable mind. There were nights where I stayed awake doing research and looking up LGBT+ labels to compare myself to just to figure out the puzzle of myself.

Little by little, I was putting the pieces together and everything started making actual sense. The puzzle will never be finished, let’s just say that much. But it’s coming along quite great.

Unfortunately, I’m not out to anyone yet. My mom’s family is Christian, so it’s wrong in their eyes and rarely accepted. (I’m agnostic.) My dad’s family is extremely racist and homophobic, so no luck there either.

I’ve accepted myself, and that’s good enough for me at the moment. I might feel differently six months to a year from now.

But, I finally have real answers to give myself now.

At first, I thought I was bisexual, but I feel that I am currently heteroflexible. Basically, I’m mostly straight but still a little gay. As for my gender, I seem to fluctuate between a man and a woman continuously, so I refer to myself mainly as queer.

So, hello, stranger. I’m Emily, and I’m a heteroflexible gender queer.

I wanted to post my coming out story to let others know that it’s okay to not know what you’re feeling. It’s ok to not know what your sexuality or gender is right away.

Some days, you will feel like you’re flying, and other days, you will feel like absolute shit. Things get better, they will. I promise you.

Don’t immediately come out if you don’t feel safe or if you’re uncomfortable with the idea of coming out. Do it when you feel confident and ready. You may never come out. That’s okay, too.

My advice is to stay strong. If you feel alone, the internet is a great way to meet LGBT+ people. Hotlines are also available. Talk to a close friend that you genuinely trust about what you’re going through.

Or post your own coming out story to a site like this one.

Some more tips: Don’t be judgemental of other people. Have an open mind. Be loving, be caring, be yourself. Don’t let anyone tell you who are. Don’t meet their expectations, meet your own. Have self-love.

Coming out takes time and I find it to be a mental battle. But there will always be a rainbow at the end of every storm.

Stay safe. And be gay. ?‍?