People seem to always tell me that I’m “too mature” for my age. I just give them a smile, but in my head, I’m always like “if only you knew what I’ve been through”.
Growing up my father really wasn’t in the picture, and my mom was working and trying to get my little brother and I through school. I was around 4 years old when my half brother came from Mexico. When he arrived I remember him telling me he didn’t like me. He was really violent with me when we were alone, and it came to the point that he started to rape me multiple times. I was so afraid to be alone with him. He stuck me in the freezer, made me drink his pee, when I told him I was hungry he told me to eat his nail clips (maybe the reason I still bite my nails). And, he even burned my arm (I still have the scars to prove it); he made me lie to my mom about the burn and I told her that “I feel in the thorns” and she believed me.
He stopped out of nowhere. By then, I was still in elementary school (maybe 3rd grade). By the end of 5th grade, I stared to notice boys. I always told myself that I couldn’t like them because I didn’t like anything he did to me. In middle school was when I had my first girlfriend, when I started to be questioned, when I first started to harm myself, when I first attempted suicide. I felt so depressed and so alone because I was lost. I always asked myself, “why do I like boys?” And, it came to a point that I stopped believing in God.
I ended up moving to a different high school freshman year. I made new friends and by the end of my senior year I hit hard again. On a school trip, I had sexual interactions with a guy from my class. He said he was just curious, but I knew he was lying but he was every attractive. After spending two nights together I asked him what will happen when we got back home and he told me we could still “hookup” down low. I felt so used, knowing what I’ve been through as a child, because he never got back to me; he was always “too busy” or “already had plans” (only a few people know who this person is).
I couldn’t deal with it alone and I decided to come out to one of my best friends as bisexual. He was always there for me and listened to me. He was the first person I ever told my whole story to. Slowly, I started to come out to my friends who I truly care about. After I told them, I ended up coming out publicly. It was the best feeling ever having my sexuality off my chest. I came out to my mom as bisexual too, but she told me not to tell my dad because “he would get a heart attack” so I never did. After I came out the following week was my graduation. I was happy to know that people knew I liked boys even though they also thought I liked girls. A few weeks into the summer, my two best guy friends straight up asked me if I was gay. I said yes, and they said, “Ok, you’re going to be our ONLY gay best friend.” I was in tears. People on my Snapchat and Instagram started to notice that I was gay. That summer I went to my first gay club and fell in love for the first time. We ended up staying friends because he wanted an open relationship and that wasn’t what I wanted.
In November of 2017, I got so depressed because I didn’t know what to do anymore, so I started to tell people who I could trust about my whole story and I tried to write everything down but it didn’t help at all. I asked for a week off work to try and figure myself out. The beginning of that week off my mom woke me up and said my half brother (the one who physically and sexual abused me) was in jail. I didn’t care at all. I told her that I didn’t care and she was so confused about why, but I couldn’t tell her anything. We stopped talking for awhile for that reason. That Friday of my week off (November 12, 2017) was the last time I ever tried to commit suicide. I tried to over dose on pills but my best friend came to my house and actually saved my life. I tried to forget everything I attempted and kept living life.
In December, my dad started to question me and I ended up telling him that I am gay and told him everything that person did to me. At first, he said he didn’t want to be anywhere near me so I told him that it was fine. I started to pack my stuff to leave and then once I was about to leave he came into my room and apologized. He told me that he doesn’t accept me, but he didn’t want me to leave so I didn’t. Then came the new year and I never thought I would find someone I truly cared about and love so much.
In January, I matched with this guy on Tinder. After talking to him for about two months, we’re finally a couple. My parents still don’t know I’m in a relationship only my social media and my little brother. My boyfriend asked me once what I really see myself becoming in the future, and I told him I’ve always wanted to be an LGBTQ+ activist. I’m now about to turn 19 years old. Only a couple of people know my whole story. My mom and my little brother still don’t know what my half brother did to me. He is still in prison (for something else not involving me).
I’m at a point that I can’t keep quiet. The reason I’m here is to tell my story publicly and to let everyone know….this is me.