Nzee

united states

Struggle of Muslim Lesbian

Lesbian / 18-22 / Asian / Muslim

My name is Nzee, I am basically from Pakistan living here in United States from past 4 years. I am born Muslim and proud to call myself Muslim. But I can’t deny the fact that I am lesbian, why it’s happened I don’t know. I sure have a person I want to marry. To me she is the one who gave me courage to face myself in life and truly see myself of what I am. When I and my parents come to United States we had to stay with my sister and her husband, so basically my sister is the one who taking care of us. But with time I learn driving and government is the one who paying for my university fees. I am really glad to know the fact that I got this opportunity to study here in united states.

It was around june and july my parents decided to talk with me about marriage. I told them “No” because I don’t wanted to, I wanted to have my job my family support and I was still finding myself answers of myself what I truly feels. Even once I even said yes to the marriage purposal. But when I think about myself being married to guy I felt myself being disgust, it felt wrong, so I told my parents that No I don’t want to. I need time. I also tried to avoid my gf I was dating thought maybe I cant decide because I am dating her?

I give myself whole 4 months , every day read quran, pray for myself, read different books to find myself answers to know what I am really? Than with time I realized that..No what I feel for girlfriend. Its pure.. It’s a feeling which make me feel safe and happy. She never asked me to change my religion or my gender because she is also Canadian muslim. So she knew how I am or would be.

Than… on sepetember 10th. I gather courage and told my parents the truth about myself liking the same gender. I thought they help me all those 24 years. Adores me, so they would understand. But no.. it did not go the way I thought it would, my family called me by horrible names, call me dirt and disgusting women, also that looking at me make them feel so much hate and anger. They forced me to promise that I would never see my girlfriend, if I wont agree, they wont allow me to study and go to work. I was scared..

I had no friends, my parents never allow me to have friends because they were American, not muslim not from our culture. They threat me, they will kill me , also according to Quran punishment is death, we will locked you up if you don’t listen to us. I cried to them that its my feelings that’s how I feel. I know its wrong, but only God knows my intention. Just for the sake of community, people’s thinking, and religion I cant force myself to marry a guy.
Also those emotional torture kept on going. For more 2 weeks.

My sister told me , if I love my gf than leave to her,… how ??

They never let me save money, even I had my car , its not on my name, even I have my bank account and work part time at weekends in Greensboro airport. When ever I got money, they took half of it, cause me and my parents living with my sister so I have to pay for the house items. even my parents get food stamps from government. When I told them fine..you wont accept me as lesbian, just give me a year I would leave this place and house.. my sister told me that she wont give a sinner and a disgusting women even a day.

I begged them to finish my degree, even my father lied to me, saying he would support me, than few weeks back when I come back from job, I hear them talking downstairs, that if I wont agree to get married at the end of next year, they will emotionally black mail me. Or trick me to take back to Pakistan for the treatment, and even I kept on calling myself a lesbian, he would kill me. My sister said she don’t care, for my sake she don’t want to destroy her marriage life. When ever she look at me she felt hate so much hate that she want to beat me. But she cant cause its United States. And she feel scared if I went outside from house and told anyone , she would be in trouble and her husband would figure out about me liking women. They think me liking women is illness which can be cured. So they don’t wanna send me doctor but to the Islamic center hospital , cause people are there muslim, they will tell them truth not American doctors. I so many times thought of killing myself, that maybe if I die , it might help my parents not telling people for me being lesbian , but telling them I died cause of stress of school. Would be a good lie.. after all,..for them , community and family reputation comes first than me.

But the main thing which stopped me from it, was my gf. The person I fall for. She encourage me to find the resources in my campus and I did.. but deep down inside. Because I never lied to my parents, even they pretend that, oh you don’t want to marry fine, we will help you to complete masters too. But I know.. deep down they are the biggest liar.
I do know loving same gender in islam is sin, but that’s only god can decided.. why them?

I feel scared, nor I have money, nor I have someone I can trust, nor anyone would trust me.. even I have family.. I don’t trust them.. never will..

I have not given up yet.. I applied for job in campus, secretly saving monthly cash, meanwhile my gf who live outstate.. saving too.. but deep down.. I am finding a place to myself.. where I can support myself.. not anyone.. just what I do to make myself… understand..

killing myself is not the option.. every step is harder at first. To them I always misbehave, I am brain damage , I am aggressive and unmannered women. Who don’t take part in family conversation or helping them with other stuff.

do you think.. after all this.. I would be happy to do the stuff I used to like, I don’t feel like doing anything. Day by day, I wish for myself to die..if I wont able to let myself out of situation .. I have decided..i would finish my life.

yes I am coward. If loving same gender is sin according to my parents, and dying is a sin too. Not listening to parents is sin, staying disturbed and emotional sad is sin too. All problem is.. me and cause of all this I am going to hell

Than be it.
Let me go to hell..