“When it comes to sexuality, like so many things, only the truth will set you free.”
This quote stopped me in my tracks as I was reading an article last night.
Including the old adage ‘the truth will set you free’ felt a bit cliché until I reminded myself that I am someone who has to be open and honest. Always. When I do not express my own truth, I become bogged down; and recently that has definitely been the case for me. I am in a sort of mental trap, reaching out here and there to express myself to a few, but not feeling brave enough to stand strong in my identity. I just want to find some inner peace and mental freedom by communicating who I am right now. I know that finding comfort in who I am is not reliant on me making a public announcement, but I think if I just take my jumbled words that have filled my head each and every day, and just finally write them down, the visual reality of the words will empower me. Maybe.
It’s time I come out.
Now, I definitely do not need a label. I am honestly still sorting that out for myself and I am an ever-changing creation. Human sexuality is such a complex idea and I am not about to say that I am gay because that is not accurate for me. But even with various terms these days that fit under the category of Fluid Nature – asexual, pansexual, aromantic, demisexual, gray-asexual – none of that really seems quite accurate for me either. What I am saying is that I am definitely not straight.
I do not know where I fit, but what I do know is that I think people are beautiful, both inside and out, no matter their gender. It’s the soul that counts. It’s the light that someone shines simply by being his, her, or their genuine self that I am attracted to. I’m a Soul Lover.
That being said, I have never been able to fully give myself to a man. And perhaps I never will be able to. But I’ve felt a comfort and attraction to women since I was a little girl that I have always kept separate from my identity, and hidden from my loved ones (though perhaps my mom has always understood that and read me in a way that others have not, or that even I could not). I completely accept others for who they are, whom they are attracted to, and whom they choose to be with, but have been unable to fully accept myself.
Why? Well, I pride myself on being unique, eccentric, and a bit odd to a certain degree, but in the end I just want to fit in. Labels make everything easier, and fitting into a binary is even easier. I’ve tried to go for simple, easy, and expected, both to feel “normal” and to make others proud. I want to feel comfortable and accepted. Aren’t I supposed to find myself a good man, let him sweep me off my feet, fall in love, say I do, recite my vows, have his kids, and live happily ever after?
Well, I do not see myself in that story line.
I am becoming more okay with this because I want to breathe easy, live life to the fullest, and find a love story that is true for me. And guess what? I am still whole-heartedly loved and accepted by God for this. I don’t have to give myself to a man on earth if it does not feel right, because my life is already being given to the man Jesus Christ. And That feels good to say. That is my truth.
My dear friend shared these words with me in response to my coming out and I think they are worthy of being written down. Perhaps they will speak to more than just myself:
“Do not let your heart be troubled. Rest in God’s incredible love for you. Seek truth, and be honest with yourself and those who truly love you.”
Where I am going from here I do not know, but for anyone out there dealing with the same questions, concerns, and uncertainties, just know that you are not alone. I have to remind myself of this as well: I am not alone.
And I am strong.
And I am ME.
And I am a Soul Lover set free.