Crystin Mikayla

My Struggle

Bisexual + Female + Gay + Lesbian + Questioning / 17 and Under / White / Christian

I was 11 years old (2014) when I found out I was different than everyone else. As a 5th grader with barely any knowledge on things, you are even more confused, which I was. There was this girl in my class and she was soo pretty and beautiful that I gave her two of my hot green and pink pencils (those were the bomb then). We later became best friends.

As I got older I started realizing my friends getting into “relationships” with boys. I never felt a certain feeling when I saw boys or talked about them. When I saw or talked to girls it was different. My stomach has thousands of knots and I felt sick sometimes and nervous. I started a new school in 9th grade. I met all sorts of new people and this one girl was my best friend. We fought all the time but she was my number 1. Soon we “messed around” by calling each other baby and babe. I felt this huge lump in my gut and couldn’t ever get rid of it. Not once. I soon realized that I like girls. Like I want to date them and be with them. I didn’t know if I was gay or bisexual or what then but I knew I liked girls.

One time when this girl and I hung out, it was on New Year’s Eve. We went to the main town in our county and watched the ball drop from our clock tower, and there she told her aunt that she was gonna kiss me! I froze and was like, I have never kissed anyone nor what do I do?! I was freaking out. Mostly bc her whole family was there and I couldn’t have them tell mine. But then it happened. It was the most dumbest kiss I have ever done but hey who cares. At the time my heart sunk and I died. I felt like I was me finally. Well it didn’t stop there. We kissed at school, on field trips, before she got on her bus, almost everywhere. We never dated.

Well soon we got into a fight that ruined our friendship and everything after that. We are good now but the time we weren’t. I had a different friend. I got bullied 24/7. Somehow someone at my home school told everyone I liked girls and kissed this one girl. I freaked.

I went there and I heard dyke from across the hall. I went to the bathroom and cried. After that I freaked out and was just bullied very bad from then on. I started getting depression. I was lonely. My parents had no idea and they caused lots of my pain also by fighting. I had no one. I didn’t even have myself. Well at a volleyball game at a different school, my mom saw my wrist and asked what they were. I saw nothing and walked away. She stop the car when we left on a dirt road and screamed at me to tell her. I’m bawling in the backseat as my sister is in the car. She was the only one who knew about my arms. My mom just screamed and screamed and I didn’t know what to say bc I didn’t really know for myself. I just started crying more and more.

Eventually she came into my room when we were home and started yelling again “why would you do this, to me? What if your brother walked in to you doing it?” Like I felt so dumb and pointless and like a piece of shit… I hated myself. I wanted to die but when she asked me I said no. I didn’t want to live. I was so alone with grades in the negatives (failing).

I blurted out that I’m bisexual and she said “that’s no reason to cut. Idc if you are or not. I love you.” Little did I know she doesn’t. She left clues behind and I knew she doesn’t accept it. I begged her not to tell my dad and she did. He pulled up a chair after school and made me sit down and tell him. I told him after crying for a while and he said “ I don’t accept it. I won’t! It’s Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve!” I ran to my room bawling.

No one at school. No one at home. No one anywhere I could trust. I wanted to curl up in a ball and die. I even started going to church around 13 to get rid of this feeling for girls but I couldn’t and sooner than later they came across the topic of same sex marriage and I felt so emotionally abused so now I don’t go as much and when I hear that I sing songs in my head and don’t listen bc I know my body.

Fast forward to the summer of 2018. I haven’t really had any relationships that are girls other than one, Bella. We were together for around a month and I needed help bc my depression literally made me want to die. I told her and she blocked me on everything and I had a panic attack in school for hours… that was over. Well the summer was just rough. I went to bible camp (the camp I’m not allowed to work at bc the director found out my interest in girls and he agrees with my father) when I came back after two weeks my parents broke up their marriage and live in two different homes, and everything was chaos.

I don’t bring girls around at all, and now I have realized I’m officially bisexual. I live with my friend who accepts me and still get bullied very hard till this day but honestly I just do me. I was sooo scared at first. I still have the times where I’m lonely and want to die bc of the shitty depression, and I have no help to get meds, but I have my best friend and her parents when I go home. I have realized if you’re not who you want to be, all the interest and abilities are limited and you will never know what you are really like. Hiding in the shadows is hard. My dad still doesn’t accept me nor talk to me anymore bc her has his girlfriend. My mom and I talk but not about that stuff. I like who I like and this is me. I’m being who I am. Stay true beauties.