I already shared my story here, but now that I read it again I’m not happy with that anymore. There is so much more to say and so much changed in the last few weeks. So take a snack and a drink and I’ll take you through my long time of coming out.
When I was 5 years old I met a girl. She lived next door and we became best friends. Even though we’re both still living here and we’re still friends, we’re not that close anymore.
When we were younger we used to play family. I don’t remember who was the mom and who was the dad. All I remember is that everytime we did it we kissed. She wanted it and I really enjoyed it. As time passed we stopped doing that and it was fine for both of us.
When I was in primary school (which goes up to 4 grade in Germany) I had a boyfriend. Even multiple ones (what a serious relationship right?). I WANTED to fall in love. I just really wanted it. I felt like everyone just fell in love and I was the only one who didn’t, so everytime a guy was just nice to me I “fell in love”. I was always jealous when a boy talked to a nice girl. Now I know that I was the one who wanted to have the girl.
Going on to grammar school (5-12 grade in Germany).
I had a girl (L) in my french class in 6th grade. I was really bullied in that school and shy af. She came late on the first day. She came in. Looked at me. Had the cutest smile that I’ve ever seen and sat next to me. We talked every minute we could. We had so much fun. But as soon as French class was over we stopped. When we saw each other in school we just smiled and that was it. I wanted to spend every minute of my life with her.
Since I still thought that I liked boys and that girl confused me so much, I did some research. I thought that you had to choose. You can only like boys or girls. I found out that there is something called bisexuality and I was like, “that’s it, that’s the answer”.
I was sitting next to L until 7th grade. I couldn’t take the bullying anymore and I changed school. In my new school I wasn’t bullied anymore and I didn’t fall in love anymore. Not with girls and not with boys. I actually stopped thinking about L and the bisexuality thing.
Moving on to the end of 9th grade. Another really important time for by coming out.
I met a boy (OM). I don’t really remember when or how but I did. Everyone around me told me “you would be the perfect couple” or “he’s in love with you. I know that”. I thought I was in love. I knew he was. We talked. We were in a really short relationship and he did some dump things so we broke up. We weren’t friends after that anymore.
Because of OM I met a boy again. Why am I saying again? Well, after a few weeks of our friendship we found out that a guy (H) who was at my swim team a few years before and had a crush on me is OM’s best friend. H and I started to videochat a lot. He had a crush on me (again) and told me after a few weeks. I told him that I had to think. He asked me everyday for like 2 weeks about how I feel. After a while I thought that maybe a relationship would be a good idea. So for the first few weeks everything was fine. We were happy and spent so much time together. I told him about me being bisexual a few days after we met. It was fine for him. He didn’t care and he said that almost every girl is. I just ignored it.
He started to become rude to me and I didn’t want to spend so much time with him anymore.
He was on a trip to Amsterdam with his family and when he came back he told me about it. He said that he saw so many gay people kissing and that it was so bad. We had a really big argument because of this. Before that my sexuality wasn’t a problem for him. At this point he started to make rude comments about it and that I shouldn’t mention it in front of his mom because she’s so religious.
I got annoyed and I had many exams so I just told him that we probably won’t meet because of this before winter break. It was fine for him and we almost didn’t talk for two weeks. At least not really. I thought so much about it and just started to see him as a really disgusting person and we broke up. I was so done with my life.
It was 2 days before my 16th birthday (December 22nd). I had a birthday party and I was really drunk. Me and my friend (S) at some point lied on the ground laughing and came really close. We almost kissed. It would be my first lesbian kiss. S is straight and I know that for sure.
Back in September I met a boy (OF) and we became best friends. We are still the best friends in this world. We see each other every minute we can at school (he’s one year older), we meet after school and we’re texting 24/7 (He may be important in this story so I just had to tell you about him real quick).
S and I joked about this. Not in a serious way. Just laughing because we were so god damn drunk when it happened. We talked about OF’s former best friend (M). She is a lesbian and just really open about it. She just talks about it like she wouldn’t care. Like it would be just any other straight relationship and I never heard anything from her like “I’m gay”. It’s just “my girlfriend”. Even though I know why she and OF aren’t friends anymore (she was a real asshole to him), she was just a big inspiration. I told S (who already knew about my bisexuality) that I’m more attracted to girls than to boys. She asked me if I’m a lesbian and I just said “maybe”. It was the first time I ever did this. She was just like “oh, when did that happen?” and laughed.
After that I thought about it for a long time and thought about all the little signs in my life, like looking up all the lesbian kisses on Pinterest. It was just beautiful to me.
I was out with my friend one day and we went to the mall. It was in January and we met OF. It wasn’t planned he just met with some friends and we saw him in the food court. We just talked for a minute and I saw him with two people. A boy and girl. At least that was what I thought. They looked like siblings. OF and I texted about it a bit later. I said something like “the boy…” he was like “no, no, no, it was two girls. A lesbian couple.”. I was so impressed and couldn’t stop thinking about this. The night after that I was sure. I was like them. Like M and the two girls. Actually I found out that one of them was Ms girlfriend before and that’s how OF met her.
I’m really happy that I found the courage to admit to myself that I am who I am and that I am not ashamed at all.