Lying’s Not Worth It

Gay / 40-49 / White / Athiest

Lying’s not worth it

I knew it at 13. I am gay. I hid from it when I was old enough to be expected to act upon expected heterosexuality, but only started that very late in my teens. I fantasized incessantly about men but told myself it was natural to do so and that it didn’t mean anything. I concealed the truth from myself through sports, later through booze and overcompensation. But that gay side was always there. It was the 1980s so there were plenty of ambiguous musicians to idolize. Prince. David Bowie. Robert Smith. Loving Michael Jackson was the dark secret of my life since I was told that only “gay” people liked him.

Two unhappy marriages and two nervous breakdowns later I had nowhere else to go. I attempted to come out (as bi) to my second wife (it didn’t go well, and two months later she had “forgotten” all about it, a year later she left), and the first one suspected the truth. Neither connection made me very happy.

The divorce for the second one was final in March 2018, and by May I knew it was time to make it real and be authentic for once. RuPaul helped me a lot, I’m happy to say. I love watching those queens live so much larger than life and live so fiercely. That could be me, I decided. And didn’t look back.

Fortunately telling my family was much easier than I had worried it would be. Mostly I thought they would worry about me too much. Instead they had worried about why I had always seemed so unhappy and anxious. They knew something wasn’t right and that it was killing me. I was scared to come true, but I did it — after 34 years of self-deception. Now I can never lie to anyone again.

I’m taking it easy right now, just a few months in. I’m nervous, but know it’s right, and will prove to be right. I found out that I’m a virgin all over again 🙂 I feel like I’ve lost my chance on being part of a culture that celebrates who I really am, but I know that’s not true. I’ll arrive soon enough and I’ll be welcomed home any day now. There has to be a home, right?

I always did love to dance — maybe now I can move the way I always felt was right…