Coming Out to a Friend

Gay + Male / 23-29 / Agnostic + Athiest + Muslim

I first met Sam (not his real name) when I gained admission to university. It was my first real taste of freedom, as I was leaving home to study in another town with no parents to watch my every move.

With my new-found freedom, I decided to do all the things I’ve always wanted to do but couldn’t do at home. I had my first taste of marijuana and some drugs, finally enjoying the joy of getting high. It was during one of my smoking sprees with some classmates that I met Sam. We were basking in the euphoria of getting high. We talked about a lot of things and we discovered that we had a lot of things in common. I was a Muslim who had become disenchanted with my religion and was leaning towards atheism or agnosticism, he was a Christian who was going through the same. He was in support of euthanasia, abortion, feminism and gay rights, just like me.

We became so close that we couldn’t stay a day without seeing each other. We read together, ate together, and would spend nights at the internet cafes, which were then springing up everywhere. We were so close that our relationship became almost telepathic. Some of our classmates even started calling us twins especially when we wore identical clothing. It was with Sam that I had my first taste of alcohol.

As our friendship became stronger, love decided to rear its head. I fell head over heels in love with him, he invaded my dreams at night and during the day I couldn’t stop thinking about him. His happiness meant more than my happiness. I was even ready to die for him, if the need ever arose. For a long time I could not bring myself to tell him how I felt about him. “What if he rejects me, or worse, ends our friendship,” I asked myself.

Eventually though, I found the guts and courage to tell him how I felt about him. He took it calmly and told me he wasn’t into guys but that we could still remain friends. Unfortunately, after pouring out my heart to him, our relationship began to go bad, bringing my fear to life. With time, we grew further away from each other. Our relationship simply never went back to the way it was before I told him about my love for him.

Last year he got married and I was happy for him, although deep down inside my heart I was a little bit jealous of his wife and wished I was the one standing at the altar with him saying “I do.” I know I love him and will never stop loving him till my dying breath.