My last coming out has been the hardest for sure; coming out as a straight man sucks. The whole world sees me as a lesbian and always has. This is probably why coming out as queer was super easy. I’ve always looked like a dyke, but never felt like a dyke. Maybe that’s why I pushed away from my queerness for so long; I didn’t start accepting my love for women until I was 19. It took me even longer to realize I wasn’t a woman who loves women; I’m a man who loves women.
During my early 20s I really did identify as a queer woman who was masculine of center because in being a dyke I got what I wanted, which was relationships with ladies. I felt very comfortable, but the more I thought about it the more I knew I wasn’t a woman on the inside. I didn’t just want to dress like a man; I am a man.
Binding finally got rid of my annoying chest, some people in the world started to call me sir, until they heard my voice. Transitioning has been a constant struggle to be seen the way I want to be seen by the world. My queer friends are great and just get it, my non-queer friends/family are supportive but suck at pronouns and my new name (besides my mom who always calls me Hijo, which mean son in Spanish), but I know they’ll get there. It’s the rest of the world that causes me the most pain – constantly feeling like I never pass, no matter how masculine I appear; they just think I’m a dyke. I even skipped the dyke march this year at Pride cause I didn’t feel I would be seen as a trans dude supporting dykes, but as a dyke myself.
The Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) has dropped my voice slightly and I’m closer to my Latin moustache I’ve always wanted. The physical changes are slowly happening. I’ve only been on HRT for two months, but the psychological changes have been huge. I don’t wish second puberty on anyone.
I’m in constant fear that now that I’m technically hetero, I don’t belong in queer spaces. But then I go into queer spaces and I feel invisible, for none of the queers see me as a man. I’ve been lucky though; I have found many queer women who get my gender identity and love that I’m a man. My queer world around me has been super supportive too. In becoming my truest version of myself I’ve learned that people will always see me as queer, cause my queer has nothing to do with who I sleep with. It’s who I am.