Jay

Illinois + USA

Becoming Familiar with Yourself

Female + Lesbian / 17 and Under /

I have always liked girls, always. I thought girls were hot, sexy, cute, etc. I wasn’t interested in boys. I thought they were immature, annoying, and well.. had a penis.

Anyways, my friends were terrorizing me about who I liked. I said it was a boy that used to annoy the hell out of me, because they were making fun of me. One summer I went to camp and made a guy friend. I didn’t like him at all, but apparently he liked me. I had a crush on a girl from school I had known since I was four. She’s straight AF. I decided to tell my friends that I was over the first guy and ‘liked’ the guy from camp living in another state. It made my life a little easier.

I spent a good nine years drooling over that girl though. One day I left my phone on my desk and an acquaintance/friend stole my phone and went though my photos and youtube subs. She blackmailed me with the lesbian info. Eventually, even though I did almost everything she wanted, I got outed. My crush still didn’t know though. I told my parents that I was being blackmailed by a friend and they didn’t care that much because it was a friend. They did tell me to stay away though. I also told them that a rumor was going around saying that I was gay. We just laughed it out. Because my parents are divorced I got to choose who to tell this tweaked truth first. Luckily I chose correctly and nobody was kicked out of their home.

I was determined to transfer schools though. I eventually did in high school. After freshman year at a new high school, I was officially miserable. I had been even more miserable at my old school from elementary to middle though, so it’s all okay. Nobody knew I was a lesbian at the other school. I’ve been aiming for Illinois Mathematics and Science Academy (IMSA) though for sophomore year, after I finished the first year of high school at the other school. I don’t know if I made it in or not yet, but I promised myself that if I make it into the school I will make it known that I am gay. It’s hard to not be able to date. I sometimes feel lonely as hell.

I guess this isn’t the ideal coming out story especially since I haven’t fallen off the fence that much yet. I’m still clinging to it, but I just needed to get this of my chest.